A New Direction

For a Great Director

by

Jaron Summers

 Woody Allen is off to London.

 The world-famous New Yorker is set to direct his latest play, "Later-Yi," in one of  London's newest boutique theaters.  New York producers had nixed the play.

 "Later-Yi" is the poignant, yet hilarious story of what can go amiss  when you fondle your stepchildren and later have sexual congress with them.  Mr. Allen, who is pushing 70, denied that "Later-Yi" was in anyway  based on Sooner-Yi, whom he married two years ago.

 "I realize any of my former wives might try to make a tawdry joke about 'Sooner or Later,' sooner or later.  It is immoral to make fun of a people's personal lives, especially if one of the  persons is an award-winning director who has worked in black and white cinema. 

 "For the record, I found the constant references in the mass media to 'A nooner with a Sooner' in extremely poor taste.  This caused us great emotional strain and was one of the reasons Sooner-Yi and I had our marriage annulled.  It had nothing to do with the fact she is 30 and getting baggy."

 Mr. Allen admitted that he has fallen in love with his new daughter, Bechet Dumain Allen.  "She's a wonderful human being, who is almost 13 months old.  I have been with her in two millenniums.  That's a long time and it's given us a chance to develop a mature relationship."

 He said that he and Bechet had shared many intimate moments.  "We have discovered something special in each other's spirits," said Mr. Allen.  "I can't begin to tell you how warm and cozy it makes me feel to watch Teletubbies with her."  

 Mr. Allen said that the older generation could learn much from the younger.  "I've always tried to look at life from a child's point of view.  That is one of the reasons I'm sleeping in an oversized bassinette.  And it may explain why the NYPD vice squad has been following me."

 The Oscar-winning director said he feels that an older man can teach a younger woman many things about life.  "For example," he said, "I'm looking forward to showing Bechet how to walk."  He added that one of the closest bonding experiences humans could share is when one teaches the other "the fundamentals of potty  training."

 Mr. Allen admitted that until he started to spend time with Bechet his life was empty and without any real purpose.  "I now believe in God and am reevaluating some of the fundamental concepts I scoffed at throughout my career.  Yesterday Billy Graham and I had a prayer breakfast.  He passed on the bagels."

 The world-famous director was upbeat concerning his future.

 "Since I stopped seeing a shrink,  many new avenues of thought have occurred  to me.   I'm going to keep my options open and the door locked.   European countries tolerate and support various relationships; near Geneva there is a hamlet that encourages great uncles and anorexic nieces to yodel together."

 Mr. Allen admits he suffers from mild obsessions. "I like to eat prunes every morning, while playing 'As Time Goes by' in E-flat on a rattle," he said. "I always have fish for lunch and I try to take the first bite at exactly noon.  For that reason I've rented a condo next to Big Ben.  I cannot abide dogs, so my friends in London passed a law making it mandatory for Shihtzus to be attired in chicken costumes."

 The world-famous comedian said he did not normally share a bathroom but he plans to bathe with Bechet whenever it is possible or he can find water.  "One advantage in living next to the Atlantic," he quipped. 

 Mr. Allen is an Anglophile and enjoys playing jazz when he is not holding court or in court.  

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copyright 2001 Jaron Summers