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Here are the five essential things

new babies want.

 


 

Head 
Phones

 

 

 


 

More Stupid Than

A Speeding Bullet

 

 

written by

Jaron Summers

©2012

 


 

Trapped in

The Great Pyramid

 

 

His eyes bugged out when he saw that I had several hundred dollar bills. "This way," he said with a toothless grin, indicating an opening about one metre square in the pyramid.

 

 


 

 

Shab

 

 

I am not sure where he came from or how he learned to do what he did

but he was one of the most bizarre characters who ever settled in our village.

He was an electrician ...

 

 

 

 


 

Head 
Phones

A guy who really knows

how to help you with your screenplay.

 

 


 

 


Saving Gay Christians ...
 

 

As Christians we knew Brother Fügenpacker was mentally ill and if he kept up his "unnatural ways" he would go to hell.

 


 

 

 

My wife, Kate, never gets angry with me.

And I never get angry or even impatient with her.

You see, whenever we speak, we always refer to somebody else.

Let me give you an example.

 

 


 

 

 

3 Passorts

 

 

 

Despite my suggestion to remove a part of

Gary's brain, the surgeon said he would wrap

the offending artery in Teflon, of all things.

 


 

 

Clutter
Control

 

 

 

Kate: So explain this canceled check for

$1,000 made out to Sees Chocolates.

I realize you have a sweet tooth, but

this is ridiculous.

 

 


 

3 Passorts

 

 

Urban myth has it that Elk

can escape from Canadian

Parks.  Possibly.  I investigate.

 


 

Clutter
Control

 

 

 

 

Since the diet allows for slight

modifications, my wife Kate and

I occasionally interpret this differently.

 

 


 

 

Room 4 Rent

 

 

One of the basic glues of

 modern society is gossip. 

 

 


 

 

Room 4 Rent

 

 

Geniuses, such as myself, achieve statesmanship (the ultimate diplomacy) through pure genius.

 


 

 

 

 

My wife, who is part Irish, says

her forefathers should have

charged more for eggs.

 


 

 

In our kitchen we installed a Price Pfister faucet.  You can pull out the nozzle (like an elephant trunk) and drench your wife so she looks like Paris Hilton in that hamburger commercial.

 


 

 

 

 

Above is the famous Ha'penny Bridge

in downtown Dublin. Lovers write

their names on tiny padlocks and

clip them to all parts of the bridge :)

 


 

 

 

 

He mentioned that for the last 16 years no one in Los Angeles had ever paid off a mortgage.

I noticed his knees were shaking.

 


 

 

 

Occasionally, when scammers play

games with me, I see how far I

can go with them.


 

You can go home!

Part I

Background: Coronation, Canada (pop. 999), celebrates its centennial and I'm invited to speak.


You can still go home!

Part II

 

Background: Coronation, Canada (pop. 999), celebrates its centennial and I'm invited to speak. I confide to anyone who will listen, including the postman and gardener, that  I'm the keynote speaker and guest of honor.

 


 

 

 

 

 

I listen to senators and garbage collectors referring to themselves as public servants and my mind immediately substitutes public enemy and their faces turn to a twisted image of Jimmy Cagney as a two-bit gangster.

 


DRIVE makes you think.  At least it did us. But not everyone agrees it's a great play.

I read a mean spirited review of DRIVE.

Here's what I thought of the reviewer—and, if you read it you will get my take on DRIVE.

 


 

I'm disgusted that everyone's making crude jokes about our legally (former) Elected Official: Anthony W**ner .

I am starting a contest.

 


 

 

 

Guys,  I know you don't want a 19 year old guy in the house.  So obviously no 19 year old women, right? 

 


 

    

A short story from a career criminal

 


 

 

I participated in two rituals recently.


 

 

 

Rare Mosaic of what appears to be

Concordes on the king's chamber of the

tomb of Ramesses II (1303 BC – 1213 BC)

          As a matter-of-fact it was aboard the Concorde that I was treated like  an idiot and the captain pointed at me after we landed, then whispered rude things.


 

Okay, okay, I told a series of small

fibs.  Here is what happened on the Concorde.

 

 

 


 

 

"You idiot," she said. "You're making a milkshake. What do you think is in that?"

 


 

 

Kate: Please explain this canceled check for $1,000 made out to Sees Chocolates. I realize you have a sweet tooth, but this is ridiculous.

 

 

 

 


 

Part two

I would tie Sees Chocolates to the dollar.

 Like the Mayans


 

Huge 300 pound pigs charge through the gardens ... I plan to murder one and eat him

                                    


 

         

 

....the coat on that giant 12-foot rabbit is made from skinned panda bears.  Apparently a pack of them lost their hides at the 21 table.  Click Here.

 


 

 

 

 

"Lock your doors" advises a law enforcement spokesman familiar with the situation.  A woogly world controlled by anonymous sources is on the way.

 


 

The mightiest empire the world had known was brought to a standstill with a few box cutters and terrorists who could not even land a plane.

 

 


 

 


And it came to pass that Mr. and Mrs. God got up one morning. 

It was a bright and sparkly day.  (One advantage in living a few hundred yards from the sun.)


I am looking for a room to rent mainly on Thursday afternoon to evening. Could be other days rarely. My girlfriend and I would be meeting there.

           


 

Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor.

My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses.

            


Shab

I am not sure where he came from or how he learned to do what he did but he was one of the most bizarre characters who ever settled in our village.


The cellular phone or cell is the world’s most successful sex prop.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Merry Christmas

I am saddened by the way your life has gone. Let us speak frankly.


The waters off the coast of Kona, Hawaii are said to be magical. 

And I have a story about that magic. It involves gypsies, a piper and a whale.

 


 

 

So how did these stars become

so famous without using e-mail

or owning cell phones?


Hang Ups

Donna Babing, working with the Sierra Club, is behind legislation barring cell phone calls on federally owned wetlands.  OMG!

 


This seems dangerous.

Like Bambi mailing mapquest directions

of his home to the Big Bad Wolf.

Aliens


 

Our friend harvests and roasts the best coffee in the world.

The bad news: he only has 200 pounds each year. He and his wife produce Kona coffee for their family and friends each Christmas.

 The Best Cup of Coffee

 


To the Toronto Police Department:

Hi, Officer Bubbles and I would do a bang up job of fighting crime and/or evil.  Promise.


Bubbles
 


 

 

 

My wife, the book thief,

spawns a great invention.

 

 


 

Dr. Paul

The remarkable medical doctor who

created one of the greatest health care

plans in the history of the world.

(reading time: 10 minutes)

 

 


 

 

Publishing in the Digital Age

the best is yet to come!

 



 

 

Gotacha!

Dealing with Gramps

when he loses it.

 

 



 

 

Yet another Hot roommate

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

Too Much Stuff

 

Why we don't need it

and why we have it.

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

Chase your Money

 

How to get a bank

to give you what is yours.

 

 


 

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Bill Meilen

 

... Bill Meilen told me that the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Wales is one less drunk.  (Time to read: five minutes)

 

 


 

 

 

One Way to

Make a Buck

 

This could work if

you need to create

your own job.

 

 


 

 

 

Ponzi

 

... Welcome to the SS scam

 



 

 

 

Save The

Gay Christian

 

It's a barrel of laughs

 

 



 

 

 

Oh Baby

 

As readers will recall, the Bradys made headline news when Mrs. Brady gave birth to 18 babies last month.

 


 

 

Room for Rent

 

...this might seem like an ad for our home. But it's a game. See if you can find 1 rooster, 2 mice and 3 robins. For

a laugh click on the final mouse.

 



 

 

 

 

She want$ to live with me (1)

 

...Juliet wants to live in our home.

 

 


 

She still want$ to (2)

 

...with a few stipulations.

 


 

 

She hate$ me (3)

 

            ...with NO stipulations.

 


 

 

We Dance for You

 

...Kate, my wife, and our friends Larry and Bev do a St. Patty's jig for you. Which one am I?  Hint: there's two of me.

 


 

 

 I may bail out AMX

 

Always get your money back. 1. write to the CEO and list his/her accomplishments. 2. Tell the CEO why you are a life long and great customer. 3. Make him/her smile.

 

This hardly ever fails. Try it!

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Thrown out of a B&B

 

....My wife, Kate, and I toyed with buying a bed and breakfast lodge in Ontario

 


 

 

 

 

Freezer

 

.... One day when I was twelve my father bought a deep freezer that was bigger than a coffin. 

 

 

 


 

 

Kona Kat

 

....The Kona Kat cheats death.  Our documentary reveals that the Kona Kate's plans will spell the end of the human race and a shortage of avocados. 

 


 

 

 

Kona Kat

 

....SOS from Hawaii.  Here we see just how sinister The Kat of Kona is as it contemplates drowning the entire human race. Its power and mind grows—from the radiation. Radiation it tricked us into giving it.

 


 

 

 

25  Coronation

 

             Stories              

 

 

....I lived in Coronation, an Alberta village in Canada, until I was 18. Here is a zany collection on some of my memories in the town that had one of the highest suicide rate in the world. 

 


 

 

 

(All) Passport stories J

 

...four stories dealing with my attempt to renew my Canadian passport. The stories are slightly farfetched. They are each based on events that happened.

 

                                                                     Time to read: 240 seconds

 

 

  Who am I now?

 

... people I trusted lost my identity and it's in the hands of person's unknown or a spy. 

 

Time to read: 39 seconds

 

End Game J

 

...When it comes to aiding and abetting identity theft, Passport Canada wins the Oscar.

                                                                     Time to read: 100 seconds

 

 

Our Man in Cairo J

 

...our ever vigilant employees of Passport Canada made a couple of mistakes of their own.

                                                                      Time to read: 39 seconds

 

 

Passport to Trouble

 

....it's easy to get a passport.  Unless you need it in a hurry.

 

Time to read: 93.5 seconds

 

 

     Stung for a room J

 

... once you send hot chicks $$$s, you never hear from them again. Innocent people get stung for thousand$. 

 

Time to read: 93 seconds

 

180 Words J

 

... How to make money out of global warming AND get more land.

 

Time to read: 45 seconds

 

 

3AM J

 

... Every night for the last 40 years or so I get up around 3 AM and go to the bathroom. I always think of things to write about. 

Time to read: 45 seconds

 

 

ZZZzzz J

 

... The way to deal with money, wars and high priced gas is to go to sleep.  Honest.

Time to read: 45 seconds

 

 

 

Halifax Hustle  &

 

... We fly across the continent and discover that our host has opted to play a tragic joke on us. We fight back in this  short story....

 

Time to read: 5+ minutes

 

 

 

If We Talk  &

 

... Everything was hunky-dory as long as you took your job seriously and followed the various directives in this short story....

 

(The seventh directive prohibited communication with the incoming phantom attackers.)     Time to read: 2 minutes

 

Perfect Murder  J

 

 ... His wife annoyed him. Nagging. Leaving the garbage for him to take out.

 

Substituting skim milk for cream in his tea. He decided to kill her. Things could go wrong ... Time to read: 60 seconds

 

Better than the Lotto

... He's a middle aged man who lives in a tiny flat in Devonport at the edge of Auckland, New Zealand.

He feels he can do anything with a "bit of supervision." Meet Peter ... Time to read: 60 seconds

 

Fly Me to the Moon J

.... You won’t notice her as you drag your suitcase down the jet's aisle. 

 

She smiles behind a touch of too much makeup and her shoes are not sexy now. Polished but functional with one-inch heels. Time to read: 60 seconds.

 

How to Shaft the World J

 

... It is our belief that one of the few things that stands in the path of China’s domination (benign) of the world is your great country’s lack of energy. Time to read: 60 seconds.

 

Stormy Childhood J

 

... One day Mother, her brother and parents were having dinner when a ball of lightening crashed down the chimney and bounced around the kitchen, then blew up their coal burning stove. Time to read: 60 seconds.

 

Back in the Triangle  &

 

... My riddle started 43 years ago this week, as I was drinking a Coke in the Hong Kong Hilton.

 

A fat man, a dead ringer for John Candy, started a conversation with me. Time to read: 60 seconds.

 

 

Letter Puzzle J

... How to tell if you're a fanatic in a cult. Time to read: 60 seconds.

 

Go Green  J

 

... Fred Fünkendiddle was into green. “The most important thing we can do for the planet is conserve Mother Nature’s resources,... Time to read: 35 seconds

 

 

Last Will   J

 

...Kate, although you may feel that you will never marry again, I'm betting that in a few weeks, you'll change ...  .... Time to read: 45 seconds.

 

 

 Home at Last &

 

... Bill Meilen told me that the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Wales is one less drunk.  Time to read: five minutes

 

 

 

 

Sounds like Hooter J

 

Year 2007 card J

 

Ford RIP J

 

 Happy Birthday, Georgia J

History of The World  &

A wedding &

Perfect  Investment (Sees Candy) J

The Mercy Stone  &

Clutter - Solutions J

Fallen Star J

Bank on it J

2006  J

Roof Rat J

Charlie Pickle J

Hollywood Writing List &

Travel Controls &

The BIG Picture &  

To live Forever &  

Ho-Ho-Ho Boy Annoyed J

Bigger Alberta Bucks J

War of the Worlds Review &  

Banff Springs Hotel Q

KinkosJ

Scholars & Mice 

Cussing Wife J

It's a Croc!

Abreast of Mars

Friendly Skies

Arnold & Groping

Arnold(s)

Veronica

Model Spokesperson

Vice President J

Baghdad -1 N

Baghdad-2 N

Baghdad-3 N

Future of Us J

Walk & No Talk J

Shoebox J

 The Amazon Q

Nostradamus 9-11 J

Piggy Got Caught N

Barbados Christmas J    

  Passing the Flame J

Flipping Houses J

The Clones N

Sex Prop J

4 the young writer J

Colorful NYJ 

Assault on carJ

Kate and car thiefJ

large head-2J

large head-1 J

Blessed Children J

Somebody's fault J

Druid Wedding J

Coffee Cats - Your $$$s J

 DGA -- world's best &

Brads -- Script Secrets J

Meg Ryan - truth J

cockpit fun - an ax J

cake walk - Ken Lay J

initially yours - Holidays J

California freeways - secrets J

snip & snipe Kate cut-ups J

Taliban Barbie - kid stuff  N

Inside job N

Road tolls -- Beat the system. J

New Zealand report - the perfect haven. Q

Feel great - a serious look at health. &

 Sex on the Sand - life with the loony bin family. N

Understanding Bin -- Fax secrets. N 

Desert Lover -- Bin's Story. N

Calling All Terrorists -- money, money. N

Happy Child -- They know what they want. J

Cell phone -- a deadly weapon. J

House for Jesus -- with a temp resident.  J

Dolphin Love -- the Ultimate Game Show. J

Make A Million! -- $tock $ecret$...shhhh.  J

Slow Boat to China -- Time: a strange master. J

More Expensive by the Dozen -- kids. J

The Minister's Steeple -- a sacred rod. J

Egging me On -- KitchenForeign Policy. J

Cheapo -- The Coffee vigilante. J

Coronation -- wolf boys and phone lines. J

The Pleasure of Pimples -- You can make a fortune.  J

Curse of the Clone -- America's first. J

The WoWo -- Canada's first commuters.   J

Hang Ups -- Rich bitches need driver ed. J

Roof Monitor Part 2 more false accusations.   J

Roof Monitor seeks Sniffer.  J

Polygamy handling all those wives.  J

Maori Missionary Who's that knocking on my door?  J

Jack's Back--The Mad Russian returns.   &

'Bye, Jack -- The Mad Russian leaves.  &

BrainFreeze -- How to think better in 2001.

Holiday Diet -- Drop Five Pounds in a BLINK. J

Flirting with Dr. Death -- or up yours! J

How to Paint a Bathroom -- understanding women. J

The Poop -- on the very rich. J

Coed Clone -- easy to make. J

He was the most Powerful Man in the world - now? J

Make fifty bucks an hour -- sitting behind your computer. &

Kissin' Cousin -- meet my evil girl cousin. &

If you go into the woods today -- be very careful.... &

Save the Natives -- bibles for heathens. &

Cell=Sell=Sex -- what is a cell phone? &

High Fliers -- sometimes your number is up.  &

Themestupid -- a pleasant exchange.  &

Hong Kong -- see it now! Q

Womb Mates -- No sweat at 30,000 feet.  Q

Betty's Greatest Adventure -- free book or billionaire secrets.

Eskimo Parrot -- Being PC, the parrot flies North. &

I, Hernia--the story of Jaron's Hernia. &

Publish yourself--you can make your book cheap. &

Dog Dilemma--what do you do with the perfect pup? Q

Dilemma 2--the $5,000 pup. Honest.

No Juice, No Use -- A business proposition.

Homeopathic Psychology -- A perfect marriage.

Futur -- The Ultimate way to communicate. &

Do Not READ!!! - I warned you.

Dead and Gone -- a note to my dear wife.

Love and Money -- The only way to rip off a bank.

Tar Baby -- A letter of Apology from Mr. Roof Monitor.

Martha S -- Secrets of a great cook.

Women -- How to manipulate them, and so on.

MBA - Pay attention or die.

Be Rich -- it's so easy, just call me. Do it Now!

Run! The Sky is falling ... caused by the stock market.

Woody A great director heads for London to make his mark.

 

Whooping Moose  A dedicated university professor makes his mark.

2000 The cusp of the Millennium.

Zeroed The first casualty of the Millennium Bug.

Santa Guess what he has for good little girls? 

Merry, Merry Christmas  A note of joy from your friendly banker.

Millennium Lawsuit The last one.  Honest.

French Memories of Child Prodigy

Snakebite A twist on the old joke.

Rats The secret of dealing with a mate's mess.

The Fridge Magnet A magnificent legacy.

The Gay Sinner He (or she) can be saved.

A Rose By Any Name  When a boy and his mother talk of sex.

Ding Dong   Who wins when science and religion duke it out?

The Female  I understand them; you can too.  Easy.

Good and Grim News Your doctor can help you live longer, honest. 

Brookhaven You never know when a black hole will ruin your day.

Friends  Old friends are the best friends.

Girl Talk  Dr. Laura knows her stuff. What a talk show host!

Studio Head You have to give a little and want a lot.

Killer Bees What do you do when you're naked?

Investments This is a sweet one.

Sixty Minutes Here's the inside story.

Travel light The secret to a great holiday.  Here's how.

$3 Ice Cream Why it costs so much to buy. But worth it. 

Negotiations The art of the deal or how to win, win, win!

Jellybean Game Here's how to risk it all and have fun.

Open Wide A great dentist is a wonderful find.

Who is Jaron?  A short and modest bio. Well, quite modest.

 

Kona Kat

 

 

....We arrive in Kana and discover that the Kona Kat's poop can kill.  Its very litter will be toxic waste.  If the cat poops on me, I will die.  It plans to poop on me.

 

New Novel - Missionary Position - Chapter One

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