Do Not Read This

by

Jaron Summers

From time to time loyal readers ask me questions.

A WARNING. There is a question coming up that you may find offensive. I certainly don't want to upset you by talking about what you may feel is a deplorable habit. So if you have never masturbated or you feel it is immoral, DO NOT READ any further.

ANOTHER WARNING. I must alert you I'm going to be using a slang expression to describe masturbating. If a slang expression offends you, DO NOT READ any further.

The slang word is self pollination.

A FINAL WARNING. If you're offended by bad grammar and spelling, stop reading because I am not going to hyphenate "self pollination."

The following question was recently posed. Not to me. But I will answer it because I enjoy giving advice, even if I am forced to use disgusting words.

ABSOLUTELY FINAL WARNING. Aw, heck. I just read ahead. I've gone and used the following words: winkie, goose, F-word, fondle and blind. If any these offend you, STOP reading.

Okay, here is the question: "What do I do if someone sits next to me at the movies and self pollinates? (YES. SOMEONE HAS DONE THIS TO ME. AT A NORMAL, PG-RATED FILM.)"

Here is my answer:

I'm sorry to hear about this.

Snap their photo with a small flash camera. You can buy several of these disposable cameras for $15 at Costco. Even after the person has finished self pollinating, keep taking his flash picture. Just before you snap the flash, CLOSE your eyes. The FLASH will blind everyone in a 20- or 30-foot range in the dark theatre.

You, of course, will still be able to SEE and you can hop around in the dark and retaliate. Scream: "This man has his winkie out! Watch out!!!"

The culprit, who will be temporarily blind, will try to run away. Body check him into people who are sitting down.

Usually, large males or even old ladies with hatpins, will injure the man. A winkie is no match for a steel hatpin. Ouch!

An usher will arrive. Take a flash picture of him or her too. That will blind them. (Remember to keep your eyes closed when you take the photo so you can see in the dark like the Shadow.) Push the usher and the self pollinating person together. Scream: "Watch out, he has his winkie out, he tried to F-word me!"

The usher will beat the man in the face with a flashlight and often kick him.

Under cover of darkness, goose the usher, who, being blind, will assume the self pollinator is attacking. Often the usher will bite the nose of the self pollinator or kick him really hard in his acorns.

When you hear sirens, jam the throwaway camera into the shirt of the self pollinator, who by then, will have been almost beaten to death by the blinded crowd, and scream: "He has a camera! He has a camera!"

The police will arrest the self pollinator and often beat him up some more. They will have film as evidence. He will get many years in jail.

The theatre owner will be really nice to the crazed cinema crowd and give out free tickets and popcorn.

Please note: I am sorry if you were in anyway offended by this. I only write this stuff, you insist on reading it. I warned you repeatedly.

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