The Missionary Position

 

 

 

By

Jaron Summers  

Chapter One  

 

When God called Scott W. Nimbell to be an apostle,  Lucifer tried to destroy the Mormon Church leader. Make no mistake, Lucifer would have laughed like a wild hyena if he could have taken down an apostle. What a coup! Not as diabolical as say, impregnating Mother Teresa with an Anti-Christ fetus but certainly a fine win in a never-ending battle. Good against evil. Righteousness against unrighteousness. Heaven against Hell.

Apostle Nimbell bested The Devil by casting Lucifer out of himself.

In the Mormon Church when the apostle spoke of his battle with Lucifer everyone marveled at the apostle's power and his unshakable testimony (a spiritual conviction directly from God). In addition to being an apostle, Scott W. Nimbell was a General Authority in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This allowed him to grant almost any request within the domain of the Mormon Church.

The phone rang. It was Corky Charles in New Zealand. Corky was in charge of the missionaries for The Mormon Church on the North Island of New Zealand. “I have a great favor to ask,” said Corky Charles, also fighting the good fight on the other side of the world, ever vigilant, ever ready to stand against The Devil.  “I would like to keep Elder Wonder here in the mission field.”

“Have you prayed about it, Brother Charles?”

“I have.”

“I too have prayed, Brother Charles and Father in Heaven revealed to me that we cannot have Elder Wonder in his present state of mind representing the Church,” said God’s Apostle Nimbell, who besides beating The Devil had beaten throat cancer, beaten depression, and beaten facial tics, well not really, just ignored those.

“Elder Wonder is repentant, Apostle Nimbell. Truly repentant. I think we can give him one more chance,” pleaded the mission father.

“Out of the question. Elder Wonder and that airline stewardess were self-pollinating over international phone lines.” The apostle of God glimpsed himself in a nearby glass trophy cabinet. He looked older than his three score and ten. Why had the Lord spared him? Obviously the Lord needed him. One proof of this was The Devil, always tempting, always ready to cut him down. Besides possession, albeit temporary, The Devil had attacked Apostle Nimbell with everything from typhoid fever to drowning. 

      “I don't know what to do,” said Corky Charles.

“Put Elder Wonder on the next plane and contact his bishop and stake president. I've started the paperwork to have him excommunicated.” The apostle knew that the New Zealand mission father would do exactly as requested. Brother Charles might have been reluctant to mete out discipline, but a directive from an apostle—who was also a General Authority—would set things in order. Painful for Elder Wonder, but he was young and if genuinely sorry could eventually be readmitted to the church. After the proper time he could be re-baptized and re-fellowshipped. Eventually his priesthood could be returned. And then the pain and anguish that Elder Wonder was suffering, or should suffer, would cease. He would be forgiven. He could start over. But first things first. The wayward elder must return to the States.

“I can't,” said Brother Charles.

At first Apostle Nimbell thought that the connection was poor. Brother Charles would surely never disobey a direct order from an apostle of God. A man who one day might be God's living prophet on earth. “Pardon?” asked Apostle Nimbell.

“If I send Elder Wonder home,” said Brother Charles, “my wife will leave New Zealand.”

“Now why would your wife leave New Zealand?” Humor the poor man, Apostle Nimbell told himself.

“She insists that Elder Wonder stay.”

“She has no part of the decision, Brother Charles. You are in charge of the mission there. You hold the Melchizedek priesthood.”

“Sister Charles will leave me if I send Elder Wonder home. I love her, Apostle Nimbell. She is going through a phase that I do not understand.”

“When you accepted your call to be a mission president you promised to follow the direction and counsel of the first presidency. You have a renegade missionary on your hands.”

“Renegade?”

“Renegade. He performed an unwarranted blessing and he sealed a grave in a pagan manner.”

“Who told you this?”

“That is not important. What is important is that we bring him home. Do you understand?”

“I understand,” said Brother Charles.

“I must ask you a question that may be very difficult for you to answer. But you must answer it,” said Apostle Nimbell.

“Certainly.”

“Is there any chance that Elder Wonder tricked your wife into some sexual deviation?”

“No. No. I'm sure nothing like that,” said Brother Charles.

“Are your relationships with your wife as normal as our Father in Heaven intended?” asked Apostle Nimbell.

“Yes.”

“Have the two of you been involved in any deviant bedroom behavior, no matter how seemingly innocent? Inappropriate mouthing, for instance?”

      “I have a confession,” said Brother Charles.

Apostle Nimbell leaned forward, trembling with both fear and anticipation. There was a chance that Lucifer had indeed taken hold of the mission mother. What a victory for Lucifer! “Tell me,” breathed Apostle Nimbell.

“I have not had sexual relations with my wife for some time.”

“How long?” As an apostle of God, Scott W. Nimbell realized that Lucifer had more power over water than land. New Zealand was surrounded by water. This might be exactly where Lucifer would strike.

“Several months,” said Brother Charles. “She is going through the change.”

Change. A euphemism, no more, no less, thought the apostle. Sister Charles was possessed. What a trophy for the Son of Darkness.

“Have you noticed anything unusual about Sister Charles, and please open up your heart. Hold back nothing. Even if you can feel the Forces of Evil at work.”

“She spends a lot of time digging in the garden in the middle of the night, and she’s involved with a woman who kills sparrows.”

Again that poor connection. “Did you say your wife kills sparrows?”

“Sister Beth, Apostle. She kills sparrows by electrocution. She and my wife are very friendly. Elder Wonder recently baptized Sister Beth which is how she and my wife became friends.”

Yes, Lucifer was in New Zealand, operating boldly. Turning a mission mother against her husband. Using animal sacrifices to do it. Well, bird sacrifices, same thing, almost. “Brother Charles, I will be there as quickly as humanly possible.” The line went dead.

      Apostle Nimbell's hand again trembled as he replaced the phone receiver. If conditions had degenerated to the point he feared in the South Pacific, a land of heathens, fornicators, adulterers, cannibals (former), and self-pollinators, it might be necessary to perform an exorcism on the mission mother. There was a knock on the door. It was the bishop of Great Falls, a tall angular individual, a dead ringer for the Marlboro Man, except, of course, for the absence of a cigarette.

“I'm sorry to bother you, but—” He came all the way into the room when he saw Apostle Nimbell with a hand to his head . . . “Are you all right?”

“I have just learned of Lucifer's intervention in the South Pacific and must go there at once,” said Apostle Nimbell. “But how many I help you?”

“Sister Afton Cain is here for her mission interview.”

“When is the next flight to San Francisco?”

“Very late tonight or tomorrow morning.”

“Book me on the next flight to Auckland. It's a matter of grave concern. We are talking about the entire South Pacific. I'll see the young lady now.”

“Thank you,” said the bishop. “Here's her file. Everything seems in order. She has wonderful parents. I’ll call the airlines to arrange for your flight to New Zealand.”

A moment later a tall girl with flaming red hair shook hands timidly with Apostle Nimbell. When the bishop shut the door, leaving the two alone, Apostle Nimbell said, “Sister Afton, please pardon me for being late but I have some matters of extreme urgency to attend to in the South Pacific. Lucifer is working overtime among the natives . . . .”

The girl gasped.

     “Fear not, child,” said Apostle Nimbell. “With our Father in Heaven’s help, I have bested the devil before.” He smiled fatherly at Afton. Her seducers rose and fell beneath her starched blouse. The devil was everywhere today. That master of lies and deceit had someone managed to wiggle between the soft blue lace of the young woman’s brassiere and her melon-shaped seducers. Apostle Nimbell silently willed Lucifer back to Hell. The apostle was careful not to think of Afton’s twin seducers, although he could see their sinister outline against her white blouse. Afton’s seducers ceased heaving. Apostle Nimbell had won another tiny victory against the Prince of Darkness; the battle was just beginning.

 

...to be continued