Bin Laden - Inside Job

 by

Jaron Summers

Los Angeles (CNN) -- Passengers and crewmembers aboard a United Airlines 747 overpowered Mohammed Reid shortly after he tried to detonate plastic explosives at 35,000 feet above the Pacific Ocean.

This is the second attempt by terrorists in less than a week to hide powerful explosives on or in themselves in efforts to destroy US passenger jets and disrupt American aviation.

Mohammed Reid, 24, faces charges of interfering with the flight crew of the Boeing 747. He is the younger brother of Richard Reid, the man suspected of trying to ignite plastic explosives in his shoe on a recent trans-Atlantic flight.

Mohammed Reid was arrested Saturday in California after UA Flight 13 from Hong Kong to Los Angeles was diverted to Bakersfield following an incident in which the born-again Moslem was discovered trying to set fire to his nostrils.

Mohammed Reid, drinking milk, was reading an article about the 9-11 terrorist attack on America. Overcome by mirth, he ejected the white liquid all over the raincoat he was wearing.

"I assumed he was simply your garden variety pervert,” said Flight Attendant Kate Lindsey, a 25-year veteran with United.  "Then I noticed he also looked like the fellow who had the explosive shoes last week."

Ms Lindsey said that when Mohammed Reid tried to ignite his nose she hit him over the head with a fire extinguisher. Fearing that the suspected terrorist was concealing explosives in his shoes, passengers further restrained Mr. Reid while a medical doctor amputated his feet.

Investigators in the United States, Europe and Israel backtracked the movements of Mohammed Reid, who is under a suicide watch in an undisclosed jail in California. “We don’t think he’s going to attempt to escape,” said an unnamed prison guard. “It’s difficult to walk out of prison  -- but if you don’t have feet, well….”

Anonymous sources speculated that Reid was recruited as a suicide bomber because he has abnormally large body cavities. 

After searching Reid's nose, the CIA probed all of the alleged terrorist’s body cavities. "We found bin Laden's DNA in Reid's large intestine.  It appears that Reid may have briefly harbored the world's most infamous terrorist by concealing the religious cleric in his rectum,” said the director of the CIA under condition that his name was not revealed.

Bin Laden’s recent videotapes indicate that his body weight is under 90 pounds said a National Security Agency spokesperson.  "We also believe that his right arm may have been blown off by one of our daisy cutter bombs.  We could be dealing with a man who weighs less than 70 pounds.  It is conceivable that the Moslem leader traveled inside Mr. Reid for several days.

"The interior of Reid and an Afghanistan cave are surprisingly similar. Both are dark, smelly and often filled with indigestible nuts."

NSA admitted it had “no absolute proof” that bin Laden was actually inside Reid.  “Our field agents indicated a high probability that at least bin Laden’s head was up Reid’s (expletive deleted).  It’s ironic since everyone was saying bin Laden had his head shoved up his own (expletive deleted),” quipped a NSA employee.

Israeli media reported Reid traveled on a Sri Lankan passport between Pakistan and Afghanistan shortly before bin Laden vanished.

A group of Marine proctologists will continue to probe both Afghanistan caves and Taliban prisoners for further signs of bin Laden.

President Bush has ordered random nostril checks at all US airports.

Giggle Food=J Travel=Q Solid info=& Trash Bin = N

Road tolls -- Beat the system. J

New Zealand report - the perfect haven. Q

Feel great - a serious look at health. &

 Sex on the Sand - life with the loony bin family. N

Understanding Bin -- Fax secrets. N 

Desert Lover -- Bin's Story. N

Calling All Terrorists -- money, money. N

Happy Child -- They know what they want. J

Cell phone -- a deadly weapon. J

House for Jesus -- with a temp resident.  J

Dolphin Love -- the Ultimate Game Show. J

Make A Million! -- $tock $ecret$...shhhh.  J

Slow Boat to China -- Time: a strange master. J

More Expensive by the Dozen -- kids. J

The Minister's Steeple -- a sacred rod. J

Egging me On -- KitchenForeign Policy. J

Cheapo -- The Coffee vigilante. J

Coronation -- wolf boys and phone lines. J

The Pleasure of Pimples -- You can make a fortune.  J

Curse of the Clone -- America's first. J

The WoWo -- Canada's first commuters.   J

Hang Ups -- Rich bitches need driver ed. J

Roof Monitor Part 2 more false accusations.   J

Roof Monitor seeks Sniffer.  J

Polygamy handling all those wives.  J

Maori Missionary Who's that knocking on my door?  J

Jack's Back--The Mad Russian returns.   &

'Bye, Jack -- The Mad Russian leaves.  &

BrainFreeze -- How to think better in 2001.

Holiday Diet -- Drop Five Pounds in a BLINK. J

Flirting with Dr. Death -- or up yours! J

How to Paint a Bathroom -- understanding women. J

The Poop -- on the very rich. J

Coed Clone -- easy to make. J

He was the most Powerful Man in the world - now? J

Make fifty bucks an hour -- sitting behind your computer. &

Kissin' Cousin -- meet my evil girl cousin. &

If you go into the woods today -- be very careful.... &

Save the Natives -- bibles for heathens. &

Cell=Sell=Sex -- what is a cell phone? &

High Fliers -- sometimes your number is up.  &

Themestupid -- a pleasant exchange.  &

Hong Kong -- see it now! Q

Womb Mates -- No sweat at 30,000 feet.  Q

Betty's Greatest Adventure -- free book or billionaire secrets.

Eskimo Parrot -- Being PC, the parrot flies North. &

I, Hernia--the story of Jaron's Hernia. &

Publish yourself--you can make your book cheap. &

Dog Dilemma--what do you do with the perfect pup? Q

Dilemma 2--the $5,000 pup. Honest.

No Juice, No Use -- A business proposition.

Homeopathic Psychology -- A perfect marriage.

Futur -- The Ultimate way to communicate. &

Do Not READ!!! - I warned you.

Dead and Gone -- a note to my dear wife.

Love and Money -- The only way to rip off a bank.

Tar Baby -- A letter of Apology from Mr. Roof Monitor.

Martha S -- Secrets of a great cook.

Women -- How to manipulate them, and so on.

MBA - Pay attention or die.

Be Rich -- it's so easy, just call me. Do it Now!

Run! The Sky is falling ... caused by the stock market.

Woody A great director heads for London to make his mark.

The Concorde What a fun way to travel, except for the crew.

Whooping Moose  A dedicated university professor makes his mark.

2000 The cusp of the Millennium.

Zeroed The first casualty of the Millennium Bug.

Santa Guess what he has for good little girls?  

Merry, Merry Christmas  A note of joy from your friendly banker.

Millennium Lawsuit The last one.  Honest.

French Memories of Child Prodigy

Snakebite A twist on the old joke.

Rats The secret of dealing with a mate's mess.

The Fridge Magnet A magnificent legacy.

The Gay Sinner He (or she) can be saved.

A Rose By Any Name  When a boy and his mother talk of sex.

Ding Dong   Who wins when science and religion duke it out?

The Female  I understand them; you can too.  Easy.

Good and Grim News Your doctor can help you live longer, honest. 

Brookhaven You never know when a black hole will ruin your day.

Friends  Old friends are the best friends.

Girl Talk  Dr. Laura knows her stuff. What a talk show host!

Studio Head You have to give a little and want a lot.

Killer Bees What do you do when you're naked?

Investments This is a sweet one.

Sixty Minutes Here's the inside story.

Travel light The secret to a great holiday.  Here's how.

$3 Ice Cream Why it costs so much to buy. But worth it. 

Negotiations The art of the deal or how to win, win, win!

Jellybean Game Here's how to risk it all and have fun.

Open Wide A great dentist is a wonderful find.

Who is Jaron?  A short and modest bio. Well, quite modest.

New Novel - Missionary Position - Chapter One

copyright 2001 Jaron Summers