The Secret of Freeway

Driving In California

By

Jaron Summers

First you require a vehicle.

I tested Lamborghinis, Range Rovers and Hummers—each more disappointing than its predecessor. So many imperfections. A moon roof whistled at 125 MPH, a gas cap was crafted poorly, the horn did not scatter pedestrians effectively and on and bloody on and on.

On a whim I called Mac, whom my gardener had confided was a “car salesman and student of psychology.” Supposedly Mac could procure “the perfect vehicle” for me. A tailor-made vehicle, if you please.

Mac, a queer duck, arrived at my estate and after asking me countless inane questions, quacked that he would provide a car that would surpass my hidden fantasies. (When I use the term queer duck it is not my intention to impinge homosexuals or foul. As far as I could tell Mac was neither but who cares if he were both, just as long as I was accommodated.)

I went to sleep, dreaming of a mode of transportation finer than a Ferrari.

The following day, Mac waddled up with a twenty-year-old Chevy Caprice. The roof liner was shredded and the ceiling painted with psychedelic colors. The upholstery was in ribbons. The pathetic odometer registered in excess of 170,000 miles.

I assumed the car was a practical joke and ordered Mac off my property.

“Sir, drive this car and discover true happiness. It is perfect for your psychological profile.” His beady little eyes seemed so confident.

This gaze or maybe something else about Mac or perhaps something about the weather (hail threatened to devastate crops) persuaded me.

In the Caprice I soon encountered a neighbor who possessed a restored Pierce Arrow. I did not know the driver by name—I simply referred to him as Jackass.

Jackass drove down the center of the road.

I accelerated directly at him.

Jackass’s mouth fell fully open–as his feeble brain finally deduced that I would be quite pleased to ram him head on. He could then spend twenty-five thousand dollars repairing his classic motorcar. I, on the other hand, had little, well—nothing to lose.

Jackass swerved and stuck a fire hydrant.

Grinning from ear to ear, I sped away. It was more exhilarating than the time I saw a mountain goat miss its footing and plunge to its death from a 7,000 foot pinnacle in the Rocky Mountains.

Later the Caprice and I pursued children through one muddy puddle after another. We happily sideswiped (and obliterated) a telephone booth containing a priest (not my religion). The day was, if you will forgive a pun, turning into a smashing success.

Together the Caprice and I ran a Greyhound bus into the harbor, cut off a near-sighted grandmother in an ostentatious little Volkswagen and then caused a delightful rear ender by jamming on our brakes in front of an obnoxious yuppie, yapping on an infernal cell phone in a yellow Mazda.

A contented man, I motored home to discover that Mac—salesman and student of psychology—was waiting for me.

“I will take the car,” I said, reattaching the front bumper with duct tape. “Even though I doubt one could sell it to scrap metal dealer.”

“I am not selling it to a dealer, I am offering it to you for $10,000.00.” His beady little eyes were unblinking.

“You are one queer duck” I said. “This car is not worth a nickel over $250.00.”

“You are under no obligation to buy. I will remove this vehicle and you will never hear from me again.”

I paid the entire amount without further discussion and received not a cent in discount for cash.

The following day I drove my new trophy onto the most dangerous roadway known to humankind for I finally felt at one with the travelers of that famous asphalt.

I was ready to drive the California Freeways.

Jaron writes all sorts of columns, just scroll down ~

Giggle Food=J Travel=Q Solid info=& Trash Bin = N

Inside job N

Road tolls -- Beat the system. J

New Zealand report - the perfect haven. Q

Feel great - a serious look at health. &

Sex on the Sand - life with the loony bin family. N

Understanding Bin -- Fax secrets. N

Desert Lover -- Bin's Story. N

Calling All Terrorists -- money, money. N

Happy Child -- They know what they want. J

Cell phone -- a deadly weapon. J

House for Jesus -- with a temp resident. J

Dolphin Love -- the Ultimate Game Show. J

Make A Million! -- $tock $ecret$...shhhh. J

Slow Boat to China -- Time: a strange master. J

More Expensive by the Dozen -- kids. J

The Minister's Steeple -- a sacred rod. J

Egging me On -- KitchenForeign Policy. J

Cheapo -- The Coffee vigilante. J

Coronation -- wolf boys and phone lines. J

The Pleasure of Pimples -- You can make a fortune. J

Curse of the Clone -- America's first. J

The WoWo -- Canada's first commuters. J

Hang Ups -- Rich bitches need driver ed. J

Roof Monitor Part 2 more false accusations. J

Roof Monitor seeks Sniffer. J

Polygamy handling all those wives. J

Maori Missionary Who's that knocking on my door? J

Jack's Back--The Mad Russian returns. &

'Bye, Jack -- The Mad Russian leaves. &

BrainFreeze -- How to think better in 2001.

Holiday Diet -- Drop Five Pounds in a BLINK. J

Flirting with Dr. Death -- or up yours! J

How to Paint a Bathroom -- understanding women. J

The Poop -- on the very rich. J

Coed Clone -- easy to make. J

He was the most Powerful Man in the world - now? J

Make fifty bucks an hour -- sitting behind your computer. &

Kissin' Cousin -- meet my evil girl cousin. &

If you go into the woods today -- be very careful.... &

Save the Natives -- bibles for heathens. &

Cell=Sell=Sex -- what is a cell phone? &

High Fliers -- sometimes your number is up. &

Themestupid -- a pleasant exchange. &

Hong Kong -- see it now! Q

Womb Mates -- No sweat at 30,000 feet. Q

Betty's Greatest Adventure -- free book or billionaire secrets.

Eskimo Parrot -- Being PC, the parrot flies North. &

I, Hernia--the story of Jaron's Hernia. &

Publish yourself--you can make your book cheap. &

Dog Dilemma--what do you do with the perfect pup? Q

Dilemma 2--the $5,000 pup. Honest.

No Juice, No Use -- A business proposition.

Homeopathic Psychology -- A perfect marriage.

Futur -- The Ultimate way to communicate. &

Do Not READ!!! - I warned you.

Dead and Gone -- a note to my dear wife.

Love and Money -- The only way to rip off a bank.

Tar Baby -- A letter of Apology from Mr. Roof Monitor.

Martha S -- Secrets of a great cook.

Women -- How to manipulate them, and so on.

MBA - Pay attention or die.

Be Rich -- it's so easy, just call me. Do it Now!

Run! The Sky is falling ... caused by the stock market.

Woody A great director heads for London to make his mark.

The Concorde What a fun way to travel, except for the crew.

Whooping Moose A dedicated university professor makes his mark.

2000 The cusp of the Millennium.

Zeroed The first casualty of the Millennium Bug.

Santa Guess what he has for good little girls?

Merry, Merry Christmas A note of joy from your friendly banker.

Millennium Lawsuit The last one. Honest.

French Memories of Child Prodigy

Snakebite A twist on the old joke.

Rats The secret of dealing with a mate's mess.

The Fridge Magnet A magnificent legacy.

The Gay Sinner He (or she) can be saved.

A Rose By Any Name When a boy and his mother talk of sex.

Ding Dong Who wins when science and religion duke it out?

The Female I understand them; you can too. Easy.

Good and Grim News Your doctor can help you live longer, honest.

Brookhaven You never know when a black hole will ruin your day.

Friends Old friends are the best friends.

Girl Talk Dr. Laura knows her stuff. What a talk show host!

Studio Head You have to give a little and want a lot.

Killer Bees What do you do when you're naked?

Investments This is a sweet one.

Sixty Minutes Here's the inside story.

Travel light The secret to a great holiday. Here's how.

$3 Ice Cream Why it costs so much to buy. But worth it.

Negotiations The art of the deal or how to win, win, win!

Jellybean Game Here's how to risk it all and have fun.

Open Wide A great dentist is a wonderful find.

Who is Jaron? A short and modest bio. Well, quite modest.

New Novel - Missionary Position - Chapter One