last Friday, a human being was cloned for the first time in the
United States of America.
The father of the clone (or, rather, the donor of the DNA that
created the clone) is Sam Fitzlehead, a janitor at American
Research Gene Laboratories in Seattle, Washington.
I flew to Seattle to interview him. Mr. Fitzlehead is a
32-year-old male with a 97 I.Q. who swept floors and emptied
trash at ARG Labs for the last 10 years.
He began work there after he was released from reform school
where he served six years for swearing nonstop at all of his
teachers and classmates in junior high school. He called female teachers "Ms.
Pee-Pee" and male
teachers "Mr. Pee-Pee." He referred to his fellow
students as Republicans.
Sam is a victim of Tourette's Syndrome (TS). This is known as
"the swearing disease"; people who suffer from the
most advanced form, coprolalia, can't help swearing up a storm. Sam
Fitzlehead has intermediate coprolalia. This means he is
on the verge of swearing big time.
Despite his affliction, Fitzlehead went about his work, never
missing a day, and seemed to be an otherwise satisfactory
employee at ARG Labs. His fellow employees tolerated his
outbreaks of borderline cursing because many felt sorry for him.
Also during the last decade many of the female employees took up
advanced cursing to gain equal rights among a predominantly male
industry. ARG Labs grew to one of the most well-known genetic
facilities on the planet.
Jaron: Sam, while the scientists
here were cloning a test tube baby from a nuclear scientist who
had the I.Q. of Einstein, you crept into the lab and substituted
your DNA tissue for the proposed clone. Is that true?
Sam: You're darn A it's true, you
Jaron: So now we have an exact
duplicate of you that can't stop swearing, is that right?
Sam: That's right, you poop
Jaron: How do you feel about having
a twin brother who is just like you?
Sam: The more people like me, the more normal our
Jaron: But by substituting your DNA
for that of a nuclear scientist you've deprived the world of
someone who could help mankind.
Sam: You pathetic pee-pee head.
nuclear scientists make ca-ca atomic bombs. They'll blow up
Jaron: So you think it's better to
create a race of people who go around cursing and swearing at
each other instead of making weapons of mass destruction?
Sam: Poopin' right. Now get out of my
way, I got to make some more ca-ca copies of
Note: for further readings in clones and
genetics, you might be interested in the early experiments in
the province of Alberta.
Hundreds of woman were sterilized because they were mentally
unstable. This meant they became pregnant out of wedlock. Or
they were poor.
Before World War II, delegates from the Nazi party visited Alberta
to learn more about eugenics.