Sam Fitzlehead the 1st

by

Jaron Summers

At noon last Friday, a human being was cloned for the first time in the United States of America.

The father of the clone (or, rather, the donor of the DNA that created the clone) is Sam Fitzlehead, a janitor at American Research Gene Laboratories in Seattle, Washington.

I flew to Seattle to interview him. Mr. Fitzlehead is a 32-year-old male with a 97 I.Q. who swept floors and emptied trash at ARG Labs for the last 10 years.

He began work there after he was released from reform school where he served six years for swearing nonstop at all of his teachers and classmates in junior high school. He called female teachers "Ms. Pee-Pee" and male teachers "Mr. Pee-Pee." He referred to his fellow students as Republicans.

Sam is a victim of Tourette's Syndrome (TS). This is known as "the swearing disease"; people who suffer from the most advanced form, coprolalia, can't help swearing up a storm. Sam Fitzlehead has intermediate coprolalia. This means he is on the verge of swearing big time.

Despite his affliction, Fitzlehead went about his work, never missing a day, and seemed to be an otherwise satisfactory employee at  ARG Labs. His fellow employees tolerated his outbreaks of borderline cursing because many felt sorry for him.

Also during the last decade many of the female employees took up advanced cursing to gain equal rights among a predominantly male industry. ARG Labs grew to one of the most well-known genetic facilities on the planet.

Jaron: Sam, while the scientists here were cloning a test tube baby from a nuclear scientist who had the I.Q. of Einstein, you crept into the lab and substituted your DNA tissue for the proposed clone. Is that true?

Sam: You're darn A it's true, you poop-poop writer. 

Jaron: So now we have an exact duplicate of you that can't stop swearing, is that right?

Sam: That's right, you poop head. 

Jaron: How do you feel about having a twin brother who is just like you?

Sam: The more people like me, the more normal our disease'll be.

Jaron: But by substituting your DNA for that of a nuclear scientist you've deprived the world of someone who could help mankind.

Sam: You pathetic pee-pee head. Poop-poop nuclear scientists make ca-ca atomic bombs. They'll blow up the world.

Jaron: So you think it's better to create a race of people who go around cursing and swearing at each other instead of making weapons of mass destruction?

Sam: Poopin' right. Now get out of my way, I got to make some more ca-ca copies of yours truly. 

Note: for further readings in clones and genetics, you might be interested in the early experiments in the province of Alberta. Hundreds of woman were sterilized because they were mentally unstable. This meant they became pregnant out of wedlock. Or they were poor.

Before World War II, delegates from the Nazi party visited Alberta to learn more about eugenics.